DC is going to have a new “Decisions” series where its heroes come out with their political affiliations. Yep, folks, it’s apparent we’re that desperate, we are so clueless about politics, we’d rather watch Batman and the Green Arrow battle it out than actually study the issues.
As a writer of Superhero fiction, I feel that it’s my solemn duty to blindly follow the bleetings of our overlords at DC and Marvel. So, we now present
The Order of the Sword Decides
Yes, they’ll tell you who to vote for and what to think. There’s only one flaw and that is that the entire lot of them were stranded in an unknown location in January and therefore many of them still think Mitt Romney and Ron Paul are running. But since the public apparently demands it, we’ll let them tell you how to think:
The Sword and Revelator
Sword: The Sword has no partisan affiliation-
Revelator: That’s why you have a picture of Mitt Romney by your bed.
Sword: I do not. It’s actually on the wall-Wait, a second. You see that’s the line I draw. It’s not on the wall of the Sword. The Wall of the Sword is strictly an American wall, dedicated to American principles and will not be corrupted by partisan politics.
Revelator: But the wall of your Secret Identity is so full of Republican stuff that all that’s missing is an elephant mural.
Sword: Well, that would be his right.
Revelator: Well, Revelator is proud to endorse the Ron Paul Revolution.
Sword: No, Revelator can’t endorse-
Revelator: I know you got a little cheesed when I stuck a Ron Paul bumpersticker on the back of the Sword Car. But I’m just talking about me. The guy in the cape who can read your mind. Ron Paul will stop the government from spying on you to learn all your dirty little secrets, too.
Sword: Inspiring I’m sure. Note to self: Work out an anti-political endorsements clause in the contract.
Revelator: It’ll never hold up in court.
Payday stands holding a Missile launcher. “Endorsements.”
He fires the Missile launcher into a target. “I settle my problems with bullets, not ballots. Politics is a waste of time. Government never helped anyone, ask my dead girlfriend about that if you don’t believe me. Though, I did give $2300 to Ron Paul to get Revelator off my back.”
Small Packages and Skyscraper
Small Packages: We’re from Chicago where the Democrats run things and they’re corrupt. Then in 2002, it came out that the Republican Governor of the State was corrupt. So, the way we figure it, they’re all corrupt, and we don’t do anything with politics. Though, we did each give $2300 to Ron Paul to make Revelator shut up.
Commander Justice: The Justice Family is a big believer in voting and we vote for the most pro-America candidate available.
Interviewer: And what does that mean?
Commender Justice: The candidate whose not just running on a platform, but for the best America and will take care of it and keep it strong and be proud to be an American.
Interviewer: And so who do you support?
Commander Justice: We don’t tell. We just support whoever is the most pro-America and pro-goodness candidate. We also don’t contribute money to candidates, which I’ve only had to tell Revelator a dozen times.
I’m proud to be the Co-Chair of Superheroes for Ron Paul, along with Revelator.
Dennis Kucinich is the man. He speaks for the trees. I gave him $2300, but to make Revelator happy, I also sent $2300 to Ron Paul.
Fighting off psychopathic serial killers, alien space monsters, and all the criminals on the street, I don’t have time to study the candidates, so I don’t vote. I figure I might mess something up. But I did give Ron Paul $2300 to impress Speedskater. She gave me a definite maybe when I asked her out afterwards.
Indeed, Waxman spoke for the majority of heroes we interviewed. Thus leaving us with the following results in our strawpoll:
Ron Paul 2
Dennis Kucinich 1
Publicly Uncommitted 2
Political Donations to Ron Paul: $27,600
Political Donations to Dennis Kucinich: $2300
Note, we didn’t bother to ask our foreign heroes as they wouldn’t really have a knowledge or interest in American politics. Unfortunately, as neither Paul nor Kucinich is running this does not help the legions of easily led Superhero fans out there make up their minds. We did get formal reactions in a conversation with the Sword and Revelator:
Sword: Ron Paul! You were raising money from the Guild of Heroes for Ron Paul! $28,000?
Revelator: Actually, it was more than 30,000. Texas Ranger gave some too. But, I didn’t really have to talk him into it. He was from Texas after all.
Sword: I didn’t even know you were a political activist.
Revelator: I’m not. Haven’t voted in 12 years, but I’m going out to vote for Ron Paul.
Sword: And you know, I’d just like to make a statement. It’s great that he got you involved. Got you active. I’m okay with that. That’s the Sword’s message. Vote for whoever you would like. See, I’m not angry. I’m just a little shocked.
Revelator: That’s a relief. I thought you’d blow your top when I mentioned the last time I voted it was for Perot.
Sword: Well, why would I get mad, just because you-You voted for Perot! You gave this country Bill Clinton!
Revelator: I thought you were just shocked.
Sword: Ross Perot! You gave us Clinton!
Thus, why we don’t usually talk about politics at Laser and Sword…